A Believers’ Confessional

[MashMike]

Alma i feel just the same way as u do, while reading your post tears were running from my eyes, as if i myself have written it, be srong i know its too hard cause i'm not able to control my emotions today too but keep the faith,dunno what to say ,i'm really heartbroken, noone can understand me here in my country,as if i'm all alone, noone with whom i could share my feelings and fears about MJ, i hate to say it but in my country only a few channels have mentioned him during their programes, really painful.

[rowdyangel]

My confession to all of you, my fellow beLIEvers

This is actually something I wrote at the spur of the moment. I personally do not believe in confessionals but I figured that this would be the best thing to call it. It would actually be nice if this could be a place where fellow beLIEvers post their own feelings, fears and confessions as important dates knock at our doors. This is actually something I’m a bit ashamed of so please understand that it is not easy for me to show this to the world so to speak. It was really hard to write this because I could not stop myself from crying.

I had just seen that special on Animal Planet about Michael Jackson and Bubbles: ‘The Untold Story.’ The last bit of that show with Latoya talking with Bubbles stuck with me for some reason. Yes I believe that Michael may still be alive but there are things that tend to pull on the ‘heart strings.’ It did not cause me to have doubt but seeing Latoya cry like that broke my heart into a million pieces. I just felt like hugging her and crying with her.

I know that I am not very active on here but I read nearly everything you guys post. I feel like I know all of you because of that. So here I present you my personal confession. I was actually gonna delete this but I decided that I should share this with you instead.
 
It’s almost that time…

As I sit here, I’m riddled with thoughts and memories. It’s really hard not to think about him. I ask myself… Have I gone mad? Am I losing touch with reality?

Here I am hanging by a thread. I feel that if I move just a little, I’ll fall into a dark hole. A bottomless pit with no end, that is, no end in life. But only death could end it.

There isn’t a day that doesn’t go by in which I don’t think of him. He still haunts me in my dreams. I want him to leave me alone but he doesn’t. He continues to dance on the black reflective corridors of my mind. It’s as if he is calling me to go with him.

The love that I have for this man is nearly unrivaled by anything on this earth. I have never in my life loved another human being like this. They say that love is a beautiful thing but if that were so, why is this so painful?

I demand an answer from myself as I did that day and every day since then.

Why does this matter? Why does he matter? I was not a fan before that day so why is he so important to me? Why did it have to take what happened on that day for me to pay attention to him?

 It’s like a sickness, a disease with no cure.

No matter where I go, there he is in the form of an elegant broach, in the form of a sequined article of clothing or in a fedora hat that adorns a mannequin. I want to run away from the world to avoid seeing objects that provoke such emotions. But even if I could, I would be in the confines of my room, a room which is filled with memories of him. For it was modified and conceived in the wake of my deepest sorrow. Every stroke of the paintbrush was executed with such strong emotions towards him and his plight.  I can’t escape from looking at any portion of my habitation without being reminded of what I felt when I was working on it.  

There is no closure whatsoever.

I wish I knew when this would all end. I wish that it were that simple. I wish that I could just move on but I can’t.

Every day that goes by, I’m pummeled with emotions and thoughts that eventually lead to him.

I am a prisoner of such emotions and I can’t break free.

Like a ball and chin, I carry this immense burden with every step that I take. It’s so heavy and it’s weighing on me.  It really is.

Despite the fact that there is such strong evidence that he is alive, I’m still unable to rid myself of this misery.

It is going to be a year and yet my wound is still fresh and it refuses to heal.

The summer sun shines ever so brightly but it can’t seem to penetrate even the thinnest parts of this cloud that hangs over me. I’m drenched in my own tears. I almost can’t have salt because I’m sickened with the many tears that I have tasted.

I can’t imagine being subjected to life in which there is such emptiness and longing. The air that I breathe is forever filled with the bitter scent of nostalgia.

What’s wrong with me?

Why is this happening to me?

When will this end?

I wish I had an answer to all of these questions but sadly, I don’t and I do not know if I ever will.

All I know is that on that day, June 25th 2009, my old self died and I was born to a whole new world but I’m not sure if I like it.

Without Michael, I’m not sure if I like it at all.

~alma~

I think you've just read my mind because your words show that I am feeling the exact same way as you.  Very brave of you to share that.  Sending you lots of love XXX

[Rita Hayworth]

Whiteknight - you said it beautifully. I'm convinced that this is a spiritual journey. I have stopped fighting and just submitted myself to whatever path God takes me. I too have tried to give it up, tried to stop reading this website, but yes...he's everywhere. There's a reason. I don't know what it is but I'm trully am allowing God to take me wherever He wants. I share many of Michael's empathies for the hurt, the poor and the emotionally damaged souls. I always have. I don't know if that's where this is going, but I had been praying prior to Michael's death for God to fulfill the purpose in my life.

We all need to pray for each other. I don't believe this is a coincidence. Somehow, someway, someday...I believe we will all be working with each other to accomplish something huge. Ithink Michael has been praying for an Army for some time...and we have answered the call. I don't know about the rest of you, but I have always been fascinated by war and those who fight the good fight...from Joshua and David to Martin Luther King and John Kennedy. In fact, my children call me warrior. I think what lies ahead will be a huge battle so I'm praying for all of us that we "gird our loins" and be prepared. It's been an isolated year except for all of you. I'm so grateful for your fellowship.

I live by this motto from one of the American Revolution heroes - Edmund Burke

"All it takes for evil to prevail is for good men to do nothing."

I'm just standing by for orders. A good solider knows how to follow.

[MJonmind]

Whiteknight - you said it beautifully. I'm convinced that this is a spiritual journey. I have stopped fighting and just submitted myself to whatever path God takes me. I too have tried to give it up, tried to stop reading this website, but yes...he's everywhere. There's a reason. I don't know what it is but I'm trully am allowing God to take me wherever He wants. I share many of Michael's empathies for the hurt, the poor and the emotionally damaged souls. I always have. I don't know if that's where this is going, but I had been praying prior to Michael's death for God to fulfill the purpose in my life.

We all need to pray for each other. I don't believe this is a coincidence. Somehow, someway, someday...I believe we will all be working with each other to accomplish something huge. Ithink Michael has been praying for an Army for some time...and we have answered the call. I don't know about the rest of you, but I have always been fascinated by war and those who fight the good fight...from Joshua and David to Martin Luther King and John Kennedy. In fact, my children call me warrior. I think what lies ahead will be a huge battle so I'm praying for all of us that we "gird our loins" and be prepared. It's been an isolated year except for all of you. I'm so grateful for your fellowship.

I live by this motto from one of the American Revolution heroes - Edmund Burke

"All it takes for evil to prevail is for good men to do nothing."

I'm just standing by for orders. A good solider knows how to follow.

Good topic and this post struck a chord with me. I also simply yeilded to what I felt God was trying to say to me.  I remember walking and literally saying that to God, I yeild to You in this. I won't resist this glorious feeling! I wasn't a fan before his death, but researched after his death news.  In a few weeks of saturating myself with everything MJ, I fell madly in love. Then started grieving, and the pain was so intense, right in my heart, I was amazed at the power of the feeling. The ONLY thing that took away the pain was faith that he was alive! I've laughed lots, panicked lots, and have been stuck like glue to this site. Rollercoaster ride! Michael has bared his soul so it's okay if we do too!

[mjj4ever777]

Wow, wow and WOW!!! I got chills reading all of your posts...I also feel like I was "chosen", as does my husband. We truly are a family here, united by Michael! What a blessing we are living. We are truly understanding Michael's message...LOVE. There is soooo much love here on this site and it warms my heart to read my own words, written by others, right here! We have stuck by our hearts and the heart will lead you down the right path, I truly believe that. Michael never said this was going to be an easy journey, he said it was going to be an adventure and I know I will be here till the end!

We truly Love you Michael and just by chance that you read this, I hope you can see the love here...we will wait and we will be here for you when you return!

Lots of Love to my "Michael Family"

[missdanipyt]

I agree with all of you and I truly believe that no other group of people especially people from around the world can be united as closely as Michael's fans. There is something special in him that is able to unite us all in this way So much love surrounds him and his fans it's like we are all one big family trying to change the world and it's so beautiful! <3 It's our mission to stand by him and be there for one another! We ARE chosen ones!!! And it is because of Michael that we realize this xoxo love you guys my mj family

[Marissa87]

My confession to all of you, my fellow beLIEvers

This is actually something I wrote at the spur of the moment. I personally do not believe in confessionals but I figured that this would be the best thing to call it. It would actually be nice if this could be a place where fellow beLIEvers post their own feelings, fears and confessions as important dates knock at our doors. This is actually something I’m a bit ashamed of so please understand that it is not easy for me to show this to the world so to speak. It was really hard to write this because I could not stop myself from crying.

I had just seen that special on Animal Planet about Michael Jackson and Bubbles: ‘The Untold Story.’ The last bit of that show with Latoya talking with Bubbles stuck with me for some reason. Yes I believe that Michael may still be alive but there are things that tend to pull on the ‘heart strings.’ It did not cause me to have doubt but seeing Latoya cry like that broke my heart into a million pieces. I just felt like hugging her and crying with her.

I know that I am not very active on here but I read nearly everything you guys post. I feel like I know all of you because of that. So here I present you my personal confession. I was actually gonna delete this but I decided that I should share this with you instead.
 
It’s almost that time…

As I sit here, I’m riddled with thoughts and memories. It’s really hard not to think about him. I ask myself… Have I gone mad? Am I losing touch with reality?

Here I am hanging by a thread. I feel that if I move just a little, I’ll fall into a dark hole. A bottomless pit with no end, that is, no end in life. But only death could end it.

There isn’t a day that doesn’t go by in which I don’t think of him. He still haunts me in my dreams. I want him to leave me alone but he doesn’t. He continues to dance on the black reflective corridors of my mind. It’s as if he is calling me to go with him.

The love that I have for this man is nearly unrivaled by anything on this earth. I have never in my life loved another human being like this. They say that love is a beautiful thing but if that were so, why is this so painful?

I demand an answer from myself as I did that day and every day since then.

Why does this matter? Why does he matter? I was not a fan before that day so why is he so important to me? Why did it have to take what happened on that day for me to pay attention to him?

 It’s like a sickness, a disease with no cure.

No matter where I go, there he is in the form of an elegant broach, in the form of a sequined article of clothing or in a fedora hat that adorns a mannequin. I want to run away from the world to avoid seeing objects that provoke such emotions. But even if I could, I would be in the confines of my room, a room which is filled with memories of him. For it was modified and conceived in the wake of my deepest sorrow. Every stroke of the paintbrush was executed with such strong emotions towards him and his plight.  I can’t escape from looking at any portion of my habitation without being reminded of what I felt when I was working on it.  

There is no closure whatsoever.

I wish I knew when this would all end. I wish that it were that simple. I wish that I could just move on but I can’t.

Every day that goes by, I’m pummeled with emotions and thoughts that eventually lead to him.

I am a prisoner of such emotions and I can’t break free.

Like a ball and chin, I carry this immense burden with every step that I take. It’s so heavy and it’s weighing on me.  It really is.

Despite the fact that there is such strong evidence that he is alive, I’m still unable to rid myself of this misery.

It is going to be a year and yet my wound is still fresh and it refuses to heal.

The summer sun shines ever so brightly but it can’t seem to penetrate even the thinnest parts of this cloud that hangs over me. I’m drenched in my own tears. I almost can’t have salt because I’m sickened with the many tears that I have tasted.

I can’t imagine being subjected to life in which there is such emptiness and longing. The air that I breathe is forever filled with the bitter scent of nostalgia.

What’s wrong with me?

Why is this happening to me?

When will this end?

I wish I had an answer to all of these questions but sadly, I don’t and I do not know if I ever will.

All I know is that on that day, June 25th 2009, my old self died and I was born to a whole new world but I’m not sure if I like it.

Without Michael, I’m not sure if I like it at all.

~alma~

I think you've just read my mind because your words show that I am feeling the exact same way as you.  Very brave of you to share that.  Sending you lots of love XXX

Thank you so much for writing the words I've longed to write. You read my mind too.
I'm afraid. I am moving away from home, and I am scared to move on because I don't want to current 'relationship' with Michael to change.

Today was so difficult. I tried to distract my self with friends and normal Friday night activities but all I could think about was WHEN WHEN WHEN. I'm slipping. I need something major to lift me back up.

[WhiteNight]

I meant to get on here but stuff happens I suppose.

quinnnadu: I did forget to say this but one thing that must be understood is that I was not a beLIEver when all of this started. I actually believed that Michael really was gone for about 4 months after June 25th, 2009. So I do carry with me memories of that immense feeling of loss. It’s really hard to rid myself of them because there is always that little ‘What if...’ element in anything without REAL cold hard facts. Yes there is purposed ‘evidence’ but none of this has been directly confirmed by anyone of importance or for that matter, anyone in Michael’s camp. I’m not trying to disrespect anyone by saying this but it’s just the way I see it.

Even so, I’m still a beLIEver and nothing will change that.

But after all, ‘I’m only human...’  Doubt is one of the many threads of ‘human nature.

missy_missy , neversaynever, happythoughts: I was not a fan PERIOD. LOL All I listened to was Japanese/Asian music. I would go to Anime conventions hardcore. And I would wear nothing but anime shirts and bags. I would also cosplay (dressup) as anime characters in conventions and compete at the craftsmanship level of costume design. I have even travelled thousands of miles to meet famous Manga-ka (Japanese comic book authors) I was a HARDCORE anime fan/addict without any other interests. I would submerge myself in all things Japanese/Asian. There is evidence of that in my signature. (my anime renditions of Michael)   How could this affect someone like me?

Michael and his message are everything to me.

I think that this is a testament to how important this really is. This has brought people from all walks of life together.  I totally agree. There is a reason for this.

2good2btrue: I totally feel you in regards to everything that you have said! I love you too! X3

nefari, peacock shine : Yes, his hold is quite strong. I can’t seem to pull away no matter how much I try. LOL But even though it’s painful sometimes, I’m loving every moment of it. (I hope that did not come out wrong >_>)

Laine29: No Kidding! LMAO!

mjfansince4: That was a beautiful and deep post. Thank you so much for sharing that!

this1crazygirl: ‘straight-jacket friends...’ That just cracked me up! LOL!!!

breakodawn: WOW! That’s VERY interesting and it’s worth thinking about.

SoldierofLOVE: Yes I have to agree. This is definitely something VERY spiritual.

MashMike: I could not stop crying when I typed ‘my confession.’ It’s even difficult to read even though it’s composed of my own words. It is hard but I will always ‘keep the faith.’

rowdyangel: I send you lots of love too *hugs*

Rita Hayworth, MJonmind, mjj4ever777, missdanipyt: OMG.... That’s really something. Aside from my former anime obsession, I had been searching within myself and seeking salvation. And then ...BAM! (June 25th 2009) I use to be an atheist.

Now I read the bible everyday when before, I would never touch one with a 10ft pole. lol

I ‘m not very sure on what my mission is (precisely) but I do agree with in that we are ‘chosen’ and will work together to accomplish something so big that not even the most prepared beLIEver will be able to wrap their mind around it. And yes, we really must "gird our loins" in preparation for what is to come.

After so much questioning (Why me?!?!?! WHY WHY WHY!?!), I have finally given in and surrendered.

God knows what he does. I’m the one who does not so therefore, I must follow.

Marissa87: I understand how you feel. I know that it can be difficult sometimes but ‘keep the faith.’ *hugs*

I would like to thank all you guys for posting your support and your stories. I’m truly touched by them and I really mean it when I say that.

Hugs and L.O.V.E. to all of you,

~alma~

[FITA]

Hi, Alma.

I was not a beLIEver at first either.  However, I had this nagging feeling that just would not go away--the feeling that Michael is still with us.  There were other signs, too; and I won't go into them; but I started looking into the evidence, and I became a beLIEver.  It's not that I never have doubts.  Of course, I have them.  Like you said, "I am only human;" and that is just a part of "human nature."  I was a fan in the early to mid '80s and then, for reasons I don't even remember, I stopped being a fan.  I still loved and cared about Michael; but I didn't follow his every move.  Now, I am back as a fan reawakened, and also as a friend; and I have been corresponding with him for about a year now.  Now his music has new meaning to me; and I listen from a different perspective.

[mumof3]

I  was a casual fan always loved his music and always stuck up for him during the trials

But I am like you I feel it is like a pull towards something and it wont let go

I am a grown woman with children and it will not leave my mind as too what has happened.

right from the start i did not feel he had died and i want to know why I feel like this it is driving me mad
Just the other day a friend called me obsessed it upset me at first because I thought cant she see what I can see that nothing adds up but hse can not.

So why can I and all of you

Thank goodness you all feel the same

[xxmjxx]

Oh god that is how i feel too,i somtimes think im going crazy,ive always liked michael and his music,but god only knows what happened on the 25th of june last year,my stomach churns when i see or hear anything to do with him,im not to good with words,but i know exactly how you feel,and you really are not alone xxxx

[themjkiss]

When I think of Michael these days, it is not how I thought of him months ago. Perhaps it is because I had so much  healing to go through, I prayed to God about the hurt that just seemed to consume me about Michael's dissappearance. I could not take it anymore, it was just to much. About 2 months ago, I attended a very big Christian conference, people from all around the world attended, it was the most awsome event I had ever had the priviledge of attending. During this conference there was alot of healing, so powerful that many people were healed of various afflictions. I remember God healed me of my sadness for Michael, he just took it out from my heart. It was so bad, that everytime I would watch any videos about Neverland I would feel a overwhelming depression setting in, I would cry, and feel sad for days. Now I watch the videos, and I am happy, it is not the end. I mean the place is being used for charity meetings, how cool is that : )


Hurt only has power over us if we allow it to, so we must reach for Love always. I truley believe that Michael stays with our hearts so powerfully because he showed love, and love is the one thing that this world wants, people do many things for love, it is powerful.  Jesus also spoke about love.



Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.Love never fails .And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:4-13


LOVE NEVER FAILS - I just love this part of the passage it is so true, when you feel sad or depressed remember this.

[themjkiss]

I meant to get on here but stuff happens I suppose.

quinnnadu: I did forget to say this but one thing that must be understood is that I was not a beLIEver when all of this started. I actually believed that Michael really was gone for about 4 months after June 25th, 2009. So I do carry with me memories of that immense feeling of loss. It’s really hard to rid myself of them because there is always that little ‘What if...’ element in anything without REAL cold hard facts. Yes there is purposed ‘evidence’ but none of this has been directly confirmed by anyone of importance or for that matter, anyone in Michael’s camp. I’m not trying to disrespect anyone by saying this but it’s just the way I see it.

Even so, I’m still a beLIEver and nothing will change that.

But after all, ‘I’m only human...’  Doubt is one of the many threads of ‘human nature.

missy_missy , neversaynever, happythoughts: I was not a fan PERIOD. LOL All I listened to was Japanese/Asian music. I would go to Anime conventions hardcore. And I would wear nothing but anime shirts and bags. I would also cosplay (dressup) as anime characters in conventions and compete at the craftsmanship level of costume design. I have even travelled thousands of miles to meet famous Manga-ka (Japanese comic book authors) I was a HARDCORE anime fan/addict without any other interests. I would submerge myself in all things Japanese/Asian. There is evidence of that in my signature. (my anime renditions of Michael)   How could this affect someone like me?

Michael and his message are everything to me.

I think that this is a testament to how important this really is. This has brought people from all walks of life together.  I totally agree. There is a reason for this.

2good2btrue: I totally feel you in regards to everything that you have said! I love you too! X3

nefari, peacock shine : Yes, his hold is quite strong. I can’t seem to pull away no matter how much I try. LOL But even though it’s painful sometimes, I’m loving every moment of it. (I hope that did not come out wrong >_>)

Laine29: No Kidding! LMAO!

mjfansince4: That was a beautiful and deep post. Thank you so much for sharing that!

this1crazygirl: ‘straight-jacket friends...’ That just cracked me up! LOL!!!

breakodawn: WOW! That’s VERY interesting and it’s worth thinking about.

SoldierofLOVE: Yes I have to agree. This is definitely something VERY spiritual.

MashMike: I could not stop crying when I typed ‘my confession.’ It’s even difficult to read even though it’s composed of my own words. It is hard but I will always ‘keep the faith.’

rowdyangel: I send you lots of love too *hugs*

Rita Hayworth, MJonmind, mjj4ever777, missdanipyt: OMG.... That’s really something. Aside from my former anime obsession, I had been searching within myself and seeking salvation. And then ...BAM! (June 25th 2009) I use to be an atheist.

Now I read the bible everyday when before, I would never touch one with a 10ft pole. lol

I ‘m not very sure on what my mission is (precisely) but I do agree with in that we are ‘chosen’ and will work together to accomplish something so big that not even the most prepared beLIEver will be able to wrap their mind around it. And yes, we really must "gird our loins" in preparation for what is to come.

After so much questioning (Why me?!?!?! WHY WHY WHY!?!), I have finally given in and surrendered.

God knows what he does. I’m the one who does not so therefore, I must follow.

Marissa87: I understand how you feel. I know that it can be difficult sometimes but ‘keep the faith.’ *hugs*

I would like to thank all you guys for posting your support and your stories. I’m truly touched by them and I really mean it when I say that.

Hugs and L.O.V.E. to all of you,

~alma~

I am very glad to see that your reading the bible now, and I hope you keep the desire to continue reading it, it is full of many beautiful things.  God loves you  very much, this is true.

[onemoretime]

What a beautiful thread! Everything I feel, has been said. And I am certainly not alone in my "madness".
People can express their most intimate feelings, their pain, which doesn't want to go away, as there is no closure. Their doubts about their own behavior, why they can't get over it - even after a year of mourning a "superstar" (Mr. Joe J.), whereas the family of the "deceased" claims to think of him every day, but no real tears, no grief shown the usual way. They behave like puppets on a string sometimes. I can't feel their sad emotions most of the time.
I must think of the time, when Elvis suddenly left: No internet, no forums, only the media TV and the press.
So he was dead for most of the world, as Michael is for the majority as well, despite the modern forms of communication nowadays. Ask people around you and you will see.
We have been manipulated for years, for decades, and if you are a hard-working person with not much time at hand or a more superficial mind, you are made to believe in what you read and watch without asking questions.
Why is it that a world-wide community can't let go, desperately trying to find an answer to so many unsolved strange happenings?
Is it a thriller, a crime scene, a movie, a hoax ...?
The more we dig into the whole affair, the more complicated it seems to get, although there exist pages and pages of clues and even solid proof, as it seems. But somehow we don't manage to get to the core of the matter:
Where is Michael? / Elvis?
Hardly any stone has been left unturned - and still...?
I too, keep asking myself, why Michael / Elvis are such magnets. They are wealthy and yet so humble as human beings, normal and yet unreachable.
What makes them so special is something they don't even know themselves for sure, although they are fully aware of it.
It must have been a curse for them at times to be that way for lack of privacy, as much as they loved their fans.
In 1977 most people mourned the loss of a superstar and after a year I guess a lot of the fans were able to get on with their lives, as he was gone (dead) for them. The conspiracy fan clubs existed, but it was another situation. It may change now - at least I do hope for it to happen.
With Michael it is different though. Are we victims of a collective "Michael-Mania"? I don't know what it is.
All I know is, how it all changed my way of thinking: More awareness, no closure yet, doubts about the circumstances of his disappearing. In short: A rollercoaster of feelings for over a year now and no end in sight. As Elvis is in the boat for me, too, I am afraid, it may never end - 30 years to come?
A (double) - BAM please, or I am gonna lose my mind!  :x  
Well, it is not so bad with me, as I am learning something new every day - and there is the hope of him being alive.
But I must confess, I have never experienced a similar situation before 25th June.
Had anyone told me a year ahead what would happen, I would have said, no way.
A turning point for many, I suppose.

[GreenManMakeAChange]

I'm a huge huge fan and have been for so many years, but like you obsessed cause I saw mj references everywhere even before his death in the simplest things, even when I looked in the mirror cause I saw myself in him so much and would look at myself and start crying.  IT wasn't easy grieving and seeing fashions inspired by him and the like either.  I could go on and on about this but I'm tired of typing, you know where I'm going.