Review: 'Alive?' might be the worst movie ever

[simalves]

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Review: 'Alive? Is Michael Jackson Really Dead?' might be the worst movie ever

Scott Wampler, Comedy Examiner
July 26, 2011 -

You've never heard of the just-released-on-Netflix-Instant Alive? Is Michael Jackson Really Dead? but it's time you were made aware of its existence. This documentary (and we use that term very, very loosely) was made by "investigative journalist" (note: we're going to be using a lot of words loosely today) Pearl Jr., who might just be the most incompetent filmmaker, journalist, film presence, and all-around human-being that's ever walked the Earth. But that doesn't mean that you shouldn't watch Alive? Is Michael Jackson Really Dead? as soon as humanly possible. Read on for the review, my gentle Examiner readers...

A few years ago, when pop-superstar Michael Jackson died, the world enjoyed a nice bit of collective nostalgia for the Michael Jackson that was: Jackson's albums leaped to the top of the Billboard charts, the other Jackson Five members crawled out from under a series of rocks to express how distressed they were over Michael's death (despite the fact that more than a couple of 'em hadn't spoken to "MJ" in years), and-- for the briefest of moments-- the world put aside all the crazy rumors, salacious innuendoes, and creepy speculations to celebrate the dude that had made Thriller 25 years prior. It was sad to see Michael Jackson die, but it seemed to inspire a newfound wave of respect for the King of Pop.

And so, in the year 2011, it's time to mark the end of that respectful period. It's time for the bizzarely-titled Alive? Is Michael Jackson Really Dead? currently available for purchase on Amazon.com or as an instant download from Netflix Instant.   

Now, you're probably wondering why the hell we're discussing Alive? here at Comedy Examiner HQ. That's probably because you haven't seen Alive? but once you've seen it-- and, if I'm successful in my mission here, that's precisely what you're going to do by the time this article wraps-- you'll understand completely why we'd decide to cover it under the Comedy Examiner by-line: this is (without question) the most warped, childishly-produced, batsh-t crazy, woefully incompetent documentary that we have ever seen. Ever. 

Have you seen that half-assed documentary about UFO's starring Dan Aykroyd? Well, Alive? Is Michael Jackson Really Dead? makes that film look like The Thin Blue Line. The "film" (again, we use that term in the loosest way possible) unfolds across just 53 minutes, offering one piece of "evidence" after another in support of writer/director/star (again, think: "loose," loose-like-Amy-Fisher loose) Pearl Jr.'s theory that Michael Jackson is...alive? Murdered? Some combination of the two? Pearl Jr.'s not big on "sticking to one theory." These bits of "evidence" are really just random "facts," innuendoes, and leaps-in-logic that-- on their own-- mean nothing, but when combined...still mean nothing.

For example: did you know that both the ambulance and fire truck that arrived at Jackson's Neverland Ranch on the day he died both had the number 71 painted on their sides? And did you know that Michael Jackson's name has 17 letters in it? Coincidence? Pearl Jr. thinks not, and-- judging from that smug grin that's plastered on her face throughout the "film"-- you might be an idiot for not seeing the connection here: Obviously, an ambulance designated as #71 and a dead pop-star with 17 letters in his name can only mean one thing: cold-blooded murder. Or a death-hoax. Again, the bottom line isn't as important to Pearl Jr. as her ability to randomly spout "proofs" (she actually uses this term at one point) in support of her ever-changing theory.

Also, did you know that Michael Jackson was an Elvis Presley fan? And that he once told an interviewer that he was "going to end up just like Elvis"? Well, murder. Did you know that a photo exists of Michael Jackson looking into a camera? Well, that's clearly evidence of a faked-death. Did you know that Pearl Jr. went to the website of the cemetery where Michael Jackson is supposedly "buried," and found that the intimate details of his burial plot weren't even available to her on said website? Well, murder/death-hoax, you take your pick.

When I tell you that Alive? Is Michael Jackson Really Dead? is incompetently-made, those words do not do the actuality of the film's incompetence justice. Random photos of Jackson are projected onscreen along with archival footage of him performing, getting into cars, meeting fans, entering courtrooms, shopping, and so on. Talking-head "experts" pop up, offering "information" in random spurts and dribbles, none of it adding up to anything. From time to time, the "film" cuts back to what appears to be a middle-school library, where Pearl Jr. will dazzle you with a wide array of poses: here's Pearl Jr. looking coy, chin in her hand, grinning at the camera. Here's Pearl Jr., smiling broadly (and not a little inappropriately) while talking about Jackson's death. Here's Pearl Jr. gesturing wildly, saying words like "supposebly" and "Marlon Brandon." 

My associate and I happened to stumble upon this travesty while pouring through the latest additions to Netflix Instant, and it might just be the greatest discovery I have ever made: by the end of the film, we were shrieking with laughter (and, lemme tell ya, folks: I don't shriek easily), screaming at the screen every time that Pearl Jr. presented a new piece of "evidence" (or, in the parlance of Pearl Jr., a new "proofs"). The last time I experienced a film this poorly-made and hilarious, it was James Nguyen's Birdemic, but I gotta hand it to Alive? Is Michael Jackson Really Dead?: Birdemic looks like a Kubrickian masterpiece next to Pearl Jr.'s jaw-droppingly awful groin-punch of a "documentary." This "film" will redefine your understanding of the words "bad," "awful," "incompetent," "amateurish," and "terrible." Considering that Sarah Jessic Parker doesn't appear in a single frame of the "film," that's no easy feat.

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It's clear that Pearl Jr. is very, very interested in Michael Jackson as a subject, but-- over and over again-- she fails to turn her obvious interest in that subject into anything remotely watchable: clearly, "being a director" was not part of God's plan for Pearl Jr. The "information" (as it were) is borderline-impossible to understand-- presented in a manner that might accurately be described as "someone blindly firing a shotgun inside a darkened room"-- and the "sources" that Pearl Jr. presents are flat-out absurd: this will be the only documentary ever made that quotes the Weekly World News as a valid source of information.

But the film doesn't just fail in terms of information-delivery: the film quality itself is laughable--it's very possible that Alive? was actually filmed on slices of Velveeta cheese. It also doesn't appear to contain a single "shot" that lasts longer than three-seconds. Add all these factors together, and you'll have no choice but to believe that Pearl Jr. learned everything she needed to know about filmmaking from Michael Bay, Harmony Korine, and Lloyd Kauffman. In case I haven't been clear here, let's just be direct: this is a staggeringly bad film, one whose inclusion on Netflix is far more upsetting to me as a Netflix customer than any price-hike the company may ever send my way.

Now, usually this is the part where we'd wrap up, begging you to head to your TV, computer, or tablet-device immediately to watch this monument to stupid, but it turns out we've got a little more to offer you: If you head on over to Amazon.com right now (HERE, I'll even give you the link), you'll find that Alive? Is Michael Jackson Really Dead? has a number of "customer reviews." Curious as to what these reviews might say, I couldn't help but read through them. Predictably, there were a number of one- or zero-star reviews, but there are also a number of five-star reviews, one of which calls Pearl Jr.'s film "the most important journalistic film ever made." 

You're probably already ahead of me here, but I began to suspect that Pearl Jr. was the author of these five-star reviews around about the time that I noticed the exact same comment on three different five-star reviews, all of which were supportive of Pearl Jr.'s "theories" (you might also notice that I couldn't help but helpfully point out my suspicions in response to some of these reviews). So, not only has Pearl Jr. created what might be the world's worst documentary-- think about that for a minute-- but she also may or may not be writing her own five-star reviews on her film's product page over on Amazon. This, you'll note, is its own conspiracy, and I am strongly considering making my own "documentary" in response to it titled Bullsh-t! Did Pearl Jr. Write Her Own Amazon Reviews? 

Throughout the film, I plan on staring into the camera while making a variety of inappropriate-for-the-material facial expressions, using iMovie to edit in a series of shots of Pearl Jr. typing on a keyboard, and-- just for some added flavor-- a few quotes that I will attribute to the Weekly World News. Seriously, guys, someone needs to blow the lid off this thing, and fast. 

One final note: Pearl Jr.'s film posits that Michael Jackson will "return to life" in July of 2011. We are very, very close to the end of July, 2011, and Jackson has-- as of yet-- not reappeared. If he doesn't reappear, I hereby demand that Pearl Jr. make a sequel to her seminal film: the world needs to know why Michael chose not to return. One even suspects that Pearl Jr. might be responsible for Jackson being a no-show: now that Pearl's blown MJ's cover, how will he ever be able to face his fans again?

My grade: As an actual film, F- (cubed). As an experience, A+

[anewfan]

I read this today as well. I just watched this documentary on Netflix a few days ago.

I noticed that this forum and .net were in the credits at the end of "Alive" as well as TIAI, MJHOAXLIVE, Pianogames, MagicalXcapism, and others.

I thought the documentary was very cheesy if I'm being honest.

[Im_convincedmjalive]

 

this is (without question) the most warped, childishly-produced, batsh-t crazy, woefully incompetent documentary that we have ever seen. Ever.

The "film" (again, we use that term in the loosest way possible) unfolds across just 53 minutes, offering one piece of "evidence" after another in support of writer/director/star (again, think: "loose," loose-like-Amy-Fisher loose) Pearl Jr.'s theory that Michael Jackson is...alive? Murdered? Some combination of the two? Pearl Jr.'s not big on "sticking to one theory." These bits of "evidence" are really just random "facts," innuendoes, and leaps-in-logic that-- on their own-- mean nothing, but when combined...still mean nothing.

For example: did you know that both the ambulance and fire truck that arrived at Jackson's Neverland Ranch on the day he died both had the number 71 painted on their sides? And did you know that Michael Jackson's name has 17 letters in it? Coincidence? Pearl Jr. thinks not, and-- judging from that smug grin that's plastered on her face throughout the "film"-- you might be an idiot for not seeing the connection here: Obviously, an ambulance designated as #71 and a dead pop-star with 17 letters in his name can only mean one thing: cold-blooded murder. Or a death-hoax. Again, the bottom line isn't as important to Pearl Jr. as her ability to randomly spout "proofs" (she actually uses this term at one point) in support of her ever-changing theory.

From time to time, the "film" cuts back to what appears to be a middle-school library, where Pearl Jr. will dazzle you with a wide array of poses: here's Pearl Jr. looking coy, chin in her hand, grinning at the camera. Here's Pearl Jr., smiling broadly (and not a little inappropriately) while talking about Jackson's death. Here's Pearl Jr. gesturing wildly, saying words like "supposebly" and "Marlon Brandon." 

It's clear that Pearl Jr. is very, very interested in Michael Jackson as a subject, but-- over and over again-- she fails to turn her obvious interest in that subject into anything remotely watchable: clearly, "being a director" was not part of God's plan for Pearl Jr. The "information" (as it were) is borderline-impossible to understand-- presented in a manner that might accurately be described as "someone blindly firing a shotgun inside a darkened room"-- and the "sources" that Pearl Jr. presents are flat-out absurd: this will be the only documentary ever made that quotes the Weekly World News as a valid source of information.

OMG there is no lmao good enough smiley to show how much I was lmao and in tears reading this. Don't worry anewfan about who she credits because this article is actually saying to watch it and the main part- they are clowning is Pearl Jr. and her aweful skills at making this documentary. They are dissin on her, which I found hilarious.

[Truth_or_Dare]

I haven't seen Pearl Jr.'s documentary so I can't say whether it's good or not, or if this guy is making any good points or not; I have seen some "bad" videos out there that only talk about the smallest things that are only the icing on the cake in the hoax, and wouldn't convince anyone of anything.
However, the fact that this guy is trying SOOOO hard to make it seem like a piece of S***, giving stupid examples, taken out of context, only to actually advertise for it and push people to basically "waste" their money on it, is a big shock; He's trying way to hard to prove something only to contradict himself in the same sentence, by advising people to see it, only for "laughs". He's repeating himself a lot too.
This is very suspicious to me...

[~Souza~]

Sorry, but I rolled on the floor laughing my ass off. I so know what he means. And I only watched one or two of her videos, I couldn't bring myself to watching an hour of it. He doesn't make fun of the hoax theory and I am glad he didn't. 'Documentaries' like Pearl's are not very helpful to us, she makes us look like nutcases.

[simalves]

I am glad youtube has an option of skipping the first and last minutes of her videos. She is the most awful and boring presenter, or maybe I just don't like her voice or the fact that she cannot intone at all. I laughed too at the article, maybe her movie is presented really bad. And does she really oscillate between the murder theory and the hoax?

[son]

I actually spoke to Pearl Jr. on the subject. I would NEVER show her documentary to a doubter. She seems so confident in her video with her constant mention of numerology, Joe vs Joseph, and the stereotypical Elvis comparison (and only briefly talking about more important stuff like Gilda). I didn't have a negative opinion of her until after the film. To her credit though she did put the final nail in the coffin about the ambulance photo. I wonder if her Pseudocide E-book is any better.

[son]

I am glad youtube has an option of skipping the first and last minutes of her videos. She is the most awful and boring presenter, or maybe I just don't like her voice or the fact that she cannot intone at all. I laughed too at the article, maybe her movie is presented really bad. And does she really oscillate between the murder theory and the hoax?

The murder theory and the hoax theory are intrinsically connected so that's unavoidable.

[~Souza~]

The bad film-making wouldn't be so annoying when the 'proof' she presented would be thorougly explained. It's all loose ends and clues that aren't even clues. If you make a documentary about this hoax, you would have to put in some background, who wanted him dead, why and why would it be possible for him to even hoax his death. When you explain that first, a summary of well-organized and connected clues will be way easier to understand for people. 50 something minutes doesn't cover it. Hell, I could write a series of books about it that would be longer than the Harry Potter series.

[hesouttamylife]

If this is on Netflix I’m going to watch it now.  Gettine ready to cancel my subscription.

[Mish1981]

That article was hilarious! I don't particularly care for anything she does, we had it out a few months ago via email (long story), I didn't read the book and haven't watched the "doc" and I don't plan on it... just for giggles though did I miss anything? I have watched on YT a couple of the videos that people have put on the forum (of hers) and I wasn't impressed. JMO of course.

[BeTheChange]

I can't remember the last time I laughed as hard and as much as I just did reading this article LOL.  I haven't watched the 'doc' but based on the first 30 seconds or so of every one of her YouTube vids...I wasn't holding out too much hope of this being any good.  If I do watch it now, it will be filtered through this article and it will be funny as hell. 

With L.O.V.E. always.

[scorpionchik]

For example: did you know that both the ambulance and fire truck that arrived at Jackson's Neverland Ranch on the day he died both had the number 71 painted on their sides? And did you know that Michael Jackson's name has 17 letters in it? Coincidence? Pearl Jr. thinks not, and-- judging from that smug grin that's plastered on her face throughout the "film"-- you might be an idiot for not seeing the connection here: Obviously, an ambulance designated as #71 and a dead pop-star with 17 letters in his name can only mean one thing: cold-blooded murder. Or a death-hoax. Again, the bottom line isn't as important to Pearl Jr. as her ability to randomly spout "proofs" (she actually uses this term at one point) in support of her ever-changing theory.
Also, did you know that Michael Jackson was an Elvis Presley fan? And that he once told an interviewer that he was "going to end up just like Elvis"? Well, murder. Did you know that a photo exists of Michael Jackson looking into a camera? Well, that's clearly evidence of a faked-death. Did you know that Pearl Jr. went to the website of the cemetery where Michael Jackson is supposedly "buried," and found that the intimate details of his burial plot weren't even available to her on said website? Well, murder/death-hoax, you take.
One final note: Pearl Jr.'s film posits that Michael Jackson will "return to life" in July of 2011. We are very, very close to the end of July, 2011, and Jackson has-- as of yet-- not reappeared. If he doesn't reappear, I hereby demand that Pearl Jr. make a sequel to her seminal film: the world needs to know why Michael chose not to return.


OMG, I need an air. This is gross. 

[MJonmind]

I am glad youtube has an option of skipping the first and last minutes of her videos. She is the most awful and boring presenter, or maybe I just don't like her voice or the fact that she cannot intone at all. I laughed too at the article, maybe her movie is presented really bad. And does she really oscillate between the murder theory and the hoax?

 

Did no close friend of hers not politely pull her aside and say, "You know, that music theme is pretty awful for your videos..." and more.   I guess I've always just seen her as one more interesting character in this MJ hoax drama. I hope that if Pearl reads this review, I hope she will take it constructively, especially as she wants to be taken seriously, and is really trying to reach the non-MJ fan and non-hoax believer reader.  I'm sure that pretty much all the MJ hoax believers are seen as a little crazy/deluded to the outside world! (nervous laugh!)  So Pearl, laugh along, learn from it, and continue having fun doing your thing!

[all4loveandbelieve]

For example: did you know that both the ambulance and fire truck that arrived at Jackson's Neverland Ranch on the day he died both had the number 71 painted on their sides? And did you know that Michael Jackson's name has 17 letters in it? Coincidence? Pearl Jr. thinks not, and-- judging from that smug grin that's plastered on her face throughout the "film"-- you might be an idiot for not seeing the connection here: Obviously, an ambulance designated as #71 and a dead pop-star with 17 letters in his name can only mean one thing: cold-blooded murder. Or a death-hoax. Again, the bottom line isn't as important to Pearl Jr. as her ability to randomly spout "proofs" (she actually uses this term at one point) in support of her ever-changing theory.
Also, did you know that Michael Jackson was an Elvis Presley fan? And that he once told an interviewer that he was "going to end up just like Elvis"? Well, murder. Did you know that a photo exists of Michael Jackson looking into a camera? Well, that's clearly evidence of a faked-death. Did you know that Pearl Jr. went to the website of the cemetery where Michael Jackson is supposedly "buried," and found that the intimate details of his burial plot weren't even available to her on said website? Well, murder/death-hoax, you take.
One final note: Pearl Jr.'s film posits that Michael Jackson will "return to life" in July of 2011. We are very, very close to the end of July, 2011, and Jackson has-- as of yet-- not reappeared. If he doesn't reappear, I hereby demand that Pearl Jr. make a sequel to her seminal film: the world needs to know why Michael chose not to return.


OMG, I need an air. This is gross. 

I have no clue where she got that information that Michael will return July 2011. Did Michael tell her? I doubt it very much. Nobody knows when he will appear. Only him. We shouldn't make any assumption just let it be. We all know in our hearts that he is alive, or else we wouldn't be here in this forum. Pearl Jr, is a type of person, who wants fame into other people expense. She wants to be famous. When she speaks I take some and leave some, meaning I do not believe everything she says.
blessings.